12 Ways to Encourage Your Spouse

The greatest impact we can make on the world begins with how we treat each other within our homes. When a home is filled with love and encouragement, everyone flourishes in their roles and responsibilities.

But in the busyness of life, it can be easy to get stuck in the rut of day-to-day routines and habits and neglect putting a conscious effort into loving and building up our closest neighbor – our spouse.

“Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, ‘The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.’ For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 15:2-6

God’s Word encourages us to please one another and build each other up, following Jesus’s example. The goal of this encouragement is God’s glory: “That together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Encouragement comes more easily to some than others and encouragement can take many different shapes and forms. But if you’re looking for some encouragement in the area of encouragement, here are 12 ways to build up your spouse.

1. Speak highly of them in front of others

It is all-too-common for spouses to put each other down in front of other people. Women belittle their husbands; husbands complain about their wives.

However, it is especially encouraging when the one person who sees all sides of you – the good, the bad, and the ugly – chooses to compliment you in front of others.

Kind words build up, critical words tear down. Paying better attention to how you speak about your spouse both in their presence and in their absence can have a lasting impact on your marriage.

The Apostle Paul makes this point again in Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Speaking highly of your spouse also impacts the watching world around you. When others hear you value your marriage in the kind words you say about your spouse, God is glorified.

2. Participate in something they’re interested in

In Romans 15:2 Paul says, “Let each of us please his neighbor for his good.” One practical way to do that is to participate in an activity that your spouse enjoys.

People tend to light up when they do something they enjoy. But they really come alive when they’re able to share something they love with someone they love.

Offer to play their favorite board game or work on a puzzle together. Go to a movie they’ve been wanting to see or buy tickets to a ball game or a concert they’re excited about.

It may not be something you’re particularly excited about and it may even push you out of your comfort zone, but that’s exactly what will make it special and encouraging – that you sacrificed something (your wants, your ego) simply to please your spouse. And chances are, you will probably end up enjoying it, too!

3. Set out their toothbrush

I don’t remember when it started, but sometime over the past 11 years of marriage my wife and I started the tradition of setting out each other’s toothbrush. If one of us gets ready for bed before the other, we’ll put toothpaste on their toothbrush, set out some floss, and measure out mouthwash for them. When they walk into the bathroom, everything is ready for them on the counter.

It’s silly and seemingly insignificant, but it’s a small way to let each other know that we’re thinking of them.

What are some simple ways that you can go out of your way and let your spouse know you’re thinking of them?

It could be taking a few extra minutes to pack their lunch or setting the coffee pot so it will be ready for them when they wake up in the morning.

Or maybe you fill up their gas tank for them during a busy week, take their car through the car wash, or leave a chocolate bar on the dash.

Being mindful of each other, especially in the regular chaos of life, can be a great encouragement and keep the spark alive in your marriage.

4. Write them a note

You can write the exact same message in a text and a handwritten note, but the handwritten note will be more meaningful every time. It’s much more personal to see someone’s handwriting and know they took the time to write you a thoughtful message.

So take time this week to write a note of gratitude and encouragement to your spouse. Acknowledge their effort and hard work for your family, tell them why you’re thankful for them, and remind them of your love for them.

Put the note in their lunch box, stick it on the bathroom mirror or their steering wheel, or leave it on the counter by the coffee pot. They will be both surprised and encouraged (and chances are, it won’t be quickly thrown away!).

5. Repent and ask forgiveness

Is there a point of contention that continues to come up in conversation with your spouse? Is there something you’ve been arguing about that you need to seek forgiveness for?

Pray about it and take it before the Lord. Repent and ask for His forgiveness and guidance in moving forward. Then approach your spouse, acknowledge your sin, apologize, and ask for their forgiveness.

Jesus makes this point in Matthew 5:23, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

Make a concerted effort to settle disagreements quickly and genuinely change, not purely out of your own strength but in reliance upon the Lord.

While there is often more than one offending party in an argument, don’t focus on pointing out your spouse’s sin. Instead, take responsibility for your own errors and model repentance without placing the blame on them. They will more than likely be encouraged by your humility and seek forgiveness and reconciliation, too.

It is especially encouraging to see the Lord work in and through your spouse, especially in the area of repentance.

6. Extend forgiveness

Sinning against one another is inevitable; we all fall short of the glory of God.

But instead of harboring resentment or holding sin over your spouse’s head, choose to quickly extend forgiveness.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31–32

This means not bringing up past sin over and over again.

“Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” Matthew 5:21-22

7. Play their favorite music

A perfectly chosen song at the right time can almost always lift someone’s mood and make them smile, especially if it’s an artist or song they enjoy. And of course, your spouse is no different.

Have their favorite music playing when they come home from work, turn on an old song from your dating era while they’re making dinner, or make a thoughtful playlist for a long car trip together.

This might mean listening to something that isn’t necessarily your favorite, but your spouse is worth it.

8. Give them a break

We all need a break from the stressors and responsibilities of life from time to time, and it’s especially encouraging when your spouse takes notice and makes the time for you to take a break.

If you have small children, perhaps you can take the kids out so your wife can have some downtime or provide an opportunity for her to grab coffee with a friend. Or you could offer to give the kids a bath and get them ready for bed so she has a few quiet moments to herself at the end of the day.

Likewise, wives can encourage their husbands to spend an evening with his friends or take some time on the weekend for a hobby.

This might take some planning and can take many different shapes and forms, but giving your spouse a break will go a long way in making one another feel loved and encouraged.

9. Plan for weekly, undistracted time together

It’s easy to put off quality time together when you’re in the throws of parenting and work and everyday responsibilities. But weekly, undistracted time together is crucial to friendship and intimacy with your spouse.

This could mean being more diligent in scheduling regular date nights or it could simply mean setting aside an hour or two every Sunday evening after the kids go to bed. Put phones and devices away, make some coffee, and catch up with each other.

If you’re having trouble talking about anything other than kids and work, consider having a little fun with Table Topics and learn some new things you may not have known about your spouse.

10. Pay them a compliment

Not only should you speak highly of your spouse around others, but you should regularly pay them compliments privately. Encourage your spouse by telling them about the things that they do well and why you're grateful for them.

We all know that we’re sinners and in need of the Lord’s grace, but every now and then it’s nice to hear from the person who loves you the most on this earth what you’re doing well and why they love you.

11. Give them an unexpected gift

An unexpected gift is a simple way to encourage your spouse. Whether they’ve been steadily working towards a goal or perhaps have reached their goal, a gift is a way to show that you’ve noticed their hard work and you’re grateful for it.

Everyone celebrates graduations and big promotions, but we often fail to celebrate the little steps and sacrifices that were made along the way.

You could also give them the gift of doing something for them that they have been asking for (like fixing something in the house or giving them a back massage). Taking notice and taking action shows that you care about them.

12. Pray for them

Lastly and most importantly, pray for your spouse. Pray for them in front of them, pray for them in front of your children, and pray for them privately as well. Nothing will mean more to them than knowing that you’re consistently taking the things that are heavy upon them to the Lord on their behalf.

“For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.” 1 Peter 3:12

Praying for your spouse will not only be a great encouragement to them; it will demonstrate your love for them.